From the beginning.

All my life I hid from the truth. Deep down I knew the little world I built in my head was fake. That the bad memories were in fact real.

I didn't want it to be true. Hell, I lied to everyone, worked hard to always seem happy. Used excuses like "I have oily hair, it just looks like this because of conditioner." In reality, I just hadn't had a bath. Depression was a big issue in my life. Still is to this day.

We weren't homeless. My mother at least made sure there was a roof over my head, I never remember not having a home to go to. Even if we were staying with some friends I can at least say I never slept on the streets.

I know she loved me and now I know she was running from the trauma in her life. The drugs were her way of coping. That when she got clean she threw herself into work because it kept her sober.

I honestly had forgotten some of the bad till tonight. I was watching a show. There were men and women dancing around a fire. Then the camera panned to a woman who had passed out from drugs and her daughter was laying her head in her chest. The moment I saw this the flashback hit. My mom passed out from meth or whatever she was using and my 3-year-old self laying on her chest because it's the only way I knew she was alive.

You may ask yourself how I can remember that far back? Well, I can remember as young as 10 months old. How do I know this? Well, I was talking to my brother about his 16th birthday and the bike he had gotten. He was 15 when I was born. I could even tell him the color of the bike. It had a basket he would put me in it and take me everywhere with him.

That being said let's go way back to March 2nd, 1991. My brother got up and went to school. My mom was on bed rest. He would come home every day at lunch and check on her. When he came in he saw her asleep on the couch. No big deal that's where she stayed. He went to the bathroom when he looked down he saw blood. Blood everywhere. He scooped up my half-awake mother and drove her to the hospital.

Once at the hospital they called my Grandma Duncan (my uncle's mother-in-law) and charge nurse. She insisted that we were to be flown to Oklahoma City. The doctor whom; was the same doctor who delivered my mother 36 years prior said that they may get us to Amarillo but we wouldn't live if he didn't deliver now. This was in Shamrock, Texas.

My brother, scared called my grandmother. Now you think thank God another adult to help talk sense into the doctor. She was in Morrison Oklahoma. She was also an alcoholic she had been off work for several hours and was drunk. Extremely drunk, she loads my aunt Carolyn into her car. Carolyn can't drive never could due to eye site. They get in the car and take off.

They make it too Woodward and my grandmother is devastated. You see just 10 years before this she had lost her youngest living child. She had already lost her husband and daughter in the 60's as well. She had just been told by my brother an hour and a half before that my mother wouldn't make it and neither would I.

My aunt said she stopped the car on the side of the road. She said my grandmother who had been drinking while she was driving gets out of the car. She walks to the front of the car and hits her knees. You see she had doubts of god being real. Her life had been hell. My aunt then said my granny looks up and yells "God, if you are real then I will make you a deal. I've lost two children and a husband. I can't do it again. If they both live I will never drink a drop of alcohol again." She gets up. Dust herself off and takes back off for Texas.

When they arrive in Texas they walk into the hospital to see my brother. She kept her promise and had not drank. My aunt said the look on my grandmothers face when Grandma Duncan took her to my mom's room to see the both of us was disbelief. What I can tell you is my grandmother kept her promise until my 21st birthday and she only had one sip of the wine I was drinking.

What happened while my grandmother and aunt were on their way? My mom went into labor. Why was there blood and not the water like fluid as normal when her water broke? I was placenta previa. Meaning the placenta was below me instead of above me like is normal. Now days this is cause for a C section. That didn't happen though.

You see, the doctor had at least 36 years of experience by the time I was born. He had delivered my 4 older siblings. My sister in 75, my brother in 76 and the twins in 89 all natural. He had said my mom was made to have babies so that her body knew what to do. So he let her body do what it knew too. He delivered the placenta first then me butt breach.

When I was pregnant with my son my doctor asked about my mother's history. I asked my mom and she gave me the medical records. When my doctor looked at them he flat out asked how the hell did we live. If you ask me it was God. My mom had already died once and been brought back when she was 30.

My doctor also said I showed signs of withdrawals from meth. My mother denied this though. I say it's highly likely. Both my parents were drug addicts. And now at 30 years old, I have only met my father once in person. Part of me wonders if it's all true because like I said my grandmother was drunk, my brother was 15, and my mom had issues. All I know is I am here. And far from normal.